Normally people longs to disappear because disappearance provides them a shelter. It is the best way to avoid drama in life. As Steven Wilson says,
We are not lonely, because we chose to be alone. We are not lost, because we chose to disappear.” Voila, I perceive disappearance a lot like getting a break.
So, In general, the question is, why do we want to disappear when there is so much to live for in this world?
The reasons for vanishing are unique to each individual. It all depends on what the people have been through in their lives.. Some people are struggling at work. Relationship problems plague some people. A number of them have or are battling ailments. Some others developed serious depression as a result. “I am tired and I want to get rid of it,” is the underlying cause of the disappearance. I do not want to have to deal with it anymore, therefore I want to vanish. There is nothing extraordinary about me. I am just an average person who has to deal with the same issues over and over again.
I want to disappear: My personal issues
I have been fighting a losing battle with my own existence. It is a result of a string of occurrences in my life. My parents died in a horrific accident five years ago, and I have had to deal with their deaths ever since. In the midst of my grief for them, the breaking news of my younger brother’s cancer diagnosis hit me hard. He had been diagnosed with leukemia. The cancer had progressed to the level of a third-degree recurrence. That he was going to die sooner than I thought was plain to see, like a mirror.
Death doesn’t hurt. The loss of the ones we are partner with on emotional, physical and mental maturity level kills us. We take a longer route to accept the loss
Inside, I froze to death. It was difficult to come to terms with the truth. My brother’s gradual decline into death was a surreal experience. It was more difficult than I expected. My parents were the most important people in my life. Everything I had to say was relayed to them. Nobody could comprehend me without them. Everyone looked down on me. They were unable to grasp what I was saying. My delicate and self-conscious character begins to fall into the muck.
Read more : The Motif Of Time In The Sound and The Fury
In the midst of so many people, I felt isolated. As though no one would ever be there to lift my spirits again. As a result, I kept my feelings pent inside. I no longer go out. Every single one of my online accounts has been deleted. I cancelled all of my social obligations. While talking to myself, I realised that there is one thing that I want to do which is to disappear.
I want to Disappear: The Environment’s Cruelty
While I was making preparations for my complete being to vanish. My environment was likewise harmful. They urged me to pick this course sooner rather than later. Nobody ever makes this decision in a single swift motion. My mental state deteriorated. As, Steve Tyler said:
YOUR MIND IS THE BOSS. Make it your partner. ONLY THEN YOU CAN RULE THE WORLD.
There is a constant sense of heaviness. I was reluctant to get out of bed. I am starting to turn on people. I was not pleased to see them. People around me were not doing anything to help. At all times, they were sending me bad energy. Everyone wanted to know why I was in this circumstance. I attempted to explain, but they were not worth the time and effort I put into it. More and more, they infuriate me. They made fun of me. I got myself into a tight spot. I would like to go away from all the individuals that make me feel bad.
I want to disappear: Friends smothered me
Those closest to me were unable to cope with the changes I was going through. My self-image was shattered into shards. Friends do assist each other out in similar situations, but my situation was particularly dire. My closest confidants were leaving me. They could not comprehend my situation. They were always making fun of me. Nevertheless, all I ask of them for the time being is their patience. But I have come to know that no one is going to check me out while I am going through a rough patch. As Sofia Vulcher said:
Bad times are like filters. Who is loyal and who is distrustful will filter out. You will end up having a handful of loyal ones.
More than ever, I pushed myself into the denial stage. I set strict goals for myself and make it a point to fulfil them. I took on the form of a dimly lit moon. I got increasingly alone as the world slipped away from me. I begin to lead a more robotic life. To and from work. It is time to get back to work. It seems as if I had vanished off the face of the Earth.
I am spending more and more time on my own lately. Depression set in while I was alone. I jumped right into a soliloquy. Everything that I previously made available to others. I begin to open up to myself in a more open and honest way. After a while, I came to realise that being alone might be a gift in itself. It makes you see things in a new light. It is a good way to keep your feet on the ground. As, Cara said:
For I love loneliness; it is my muse in good times and therapist in the sad times. I am happy being lonely.
Loneliness not only brought disappearance, but also brightened my universe. I became conscious of my environment. It has afforded me sufficient time to traverse the many chapters of my life. The disappearance helped me recognise my mistakes.
Read more here : Summary and Analysis of The Sound and The Fury
I think about disappearance in the same way I think of a film. Watch it in high definition if you have the resources to do so. And I watched it, too!
I want to disappear: An understanding of the stage of denial
So, the more I wanted to disappear, the less I really did. Because of this, I had already spent too much time in the shadows and made myself unhappy in front of everyone else. I did not realise for a long time that I was at the last phase at all. A wide variety of experiences await me in the world. I need to take action. And it was a move I had not considered making. So I was rejecting reality. I am forced to accept the fact that life will throw curveballs at me no matter how hard I try. We need to be able to handle them. After reading Shelley’s one verse, I was able to overcome this phase:
If winter comes, can spring be far behind?
The door that I shut and went into hibernation for has been replaced with a new one. I would rather not open it. Accepting truth was the key to opening the door. A bird in the sky that I could not reach became acceptance.
Acceptance
Hope was restored when I was completely cut off from the rest of the world. I went outside and started scanning the area. It became quite evident to me that nothing would survive. It is inevitable. To create place for another, one must depart. You cannot have a long-term relationship with anyone. You, too, will die one day. For so long, I have been clinging to the idea that everything is fleeting. Eventually, I grew less enthralled by negative thoughts. I made a conscious effort to associate with only positive people and ideas.
Reducing the social circle
The more I worked, the more I grew disconnected from the things and people I did not want. The most essential people were getting more value from me. My question is how can I tell who is important and who is not. I threw myself into my writing and prepared a to-do list. VVIP, VIP, significant, not so important, etc. were all included in the document everything else was taken away from me and I concentrated on VIP and VVIP.
My life got more manageable as a result. My anxieties disappeared. There are fewer things on which I can focus. My spirit is free of any kind of pressure. For me, the absence of something creates a minimalistic atmosphere. It became a place where I felt at home.
I want to Disappear: But can I?
In order for me to declare, “I can erase my existence from the face of the Earth,” I must be dishonest. While travelling, I come to terms with the fact that I am not responsible for anyone. Creator and ruler of all things is the Almighty. He empowered me to take charge of my own destiny. In my life, He has the ability to add and subtract. I need to focus on the here and now.
Conclusion
My narrative leads me to the conclusion that I would like to vanish from society. I believed I was alone. While I was riding the vanishing wave, I realised that no one else could possibly understand my predicament. Hence, my want to vanish in order to improve myself day by day. The importance of the few persons in my life cannot be overstated.